Finding You

HER

It’s a dark day, today. The birds didn’t chirp their melodious song; or maybe I just couldn’t register the melody. The sky, laden with dark clouds, was sending an ominous greeting. Making me shiver; in the most eerie manner. My car, trying to pave a way through the unyielding rain, seemed to resist every attempt I made at peddling it further into the day.

‘It’s not a good day’, I had said to myself, in bed,’ Just roll up and sleep. Don’t go today, skip!’ I had almost decided and commenced rejoicing the burning of a day from my calendar, when the phone rang. It was Ash, my colleague, my best friend, asking me what time will I reach office, our clients needed a review tomorrow, and we are suppose to close the final draft. I guess avoiding today, wasn’t going to happen today after all.

I was lost, not on the road, but in direction, in thought processes, in life. He wasn’t here anymore. He wasn’t here to guide me. To help me feel at home, comforted, loved for in this world. He wasn’t there, to put his arms around me, so that I could lose all my worries and ease into the comfort of his scent. His arms, my safe haven. They weren’t there, waiting for me at the end of the day. His prickly beard wasn’t there to tease my cheeks. Nothing of his, was there, with me anymore.

No, this isn’t a broken relationship I am referring to. He hasn’t dumped me. Neither has he ceased to exist. He is very much a part of this world. Still living, still breathing, his heart still beating in his chest. He still has those ‘once spirited’ eyes, the difference now is, that the spirit left them. He still has that perfectly shaped smile, except that the corners of it don’t reach his eyes anymore. He still has that reassuring demeanour; just that reassurance has now given way to confusion. He still has everything that belonged to him; everything except his memory.

Suddenly a deafening noise jerked me back to reality. It was the car behind me honking, signalling the way forward. The light had turned green and I had wasted five of his seconds being lost in my own head. I put the car in gear and willed it further.  The car, with a whimper, slowly moved forward.

I drove by the hospital where I met him for the first time, after the accident. That day, when I saw him wake up from his 15 day coma, surrounded by agitated nurses and life saving machines; everything had tuned out. Everything was alright. My hell on earth would officially come to an end. I was sure of seeing his deep dark eyes and his charming smile. I was sure he’d look at me and say,’ Hey babe, long time eh?’ like nothing had happened. I was expecting him to lighten the tensed atmosphere in the room. He hated people worrying over anything, worrying didn’t solve problems, he used to believe. Working on those problems was the only solution. I was sure he’d look at me and smile his ear to ear smile, displaying his perfect set of teeth. I knew the first chance he would get, he’d hug me tightly, easing my tension away, and telling me that all the shit would be alright now.  I was so sure of it, so sure, until. Until I realised his dark eyes weren’t focusing on anything anymore, his breath wasn’t calming, and his fixated confused expression wasn’t softening. He wasn’t my animated Avinash. He wasn’t, he couldn’t even recognise his mother’s voice, let alone mine. He didn’t know me, he didn’t know us. He was lost, lost in translation, lost in confusion. He didn’t even know himself.

I cringed, at the remembrance of those painful memories. Amnesia, doctors had named his condition. ‘This condition is very common in patients with head injuries; this may be temporary.’ They said.  Very breezily, smiling, trying to reassure aunty and me. I didn’t know what to do then, rejoice that he is alive or mourn that his spirit isn’t. I still don’t.

As I pulled into my parking spot, I marvelled at god’s woven web. How the most vibrant loved person in this world is stripped off his gifts, his gift of joy, of kindness, of passion, and how people like me, who need a vibrant source of energy to derive motivation from, are rendered useless. It’s like wrecking an entire co-dependent chain of the ecosystem. The person who needs to remember, remember all the joys of the world, all the people he loves and who love him in return; is the one person who is given a formatted RAM disk all of a sudden. And I, who has no security, no family to turn to, except that one person, ends up remembering everything.

I remember a time, a time when his dark eyes had the ability to focus on me, to tell me how much they loved me. I remember recognition dawning in his eyes when I use to call out to him. I remember how he loved holding me tight while I babbled my worries and dislikes and how he always had the patience of dealing with my hyper self. I remember him promising me all the love in the world and asking me to trust my life with his. I remembered everything.

He told me once,’ don’t be worried over losing yourself, if you ever do, I will find you.’ His steady gaze resting on my face, his confidence, helped me to ease my knots. I never thought what would happen if he got lost, to an extent where even auctioning my soul to the devil won’t get him back.

All these thoughts, swarming in my head slowly led to formation of a massive typhoon, which had no intention of calming down, anywhere in the near future. As I paced towards my desk, struggling to hold on to a self-assured and professional disposition, I diverted my thoughts to the work at hand; the client review. Taking a deep breath and composing my thoughts, I switched on the system and started arranging the contents of my bag on my table. That is when my gaze fell on that beloved photo of ours. A photo of me and Avinash pinned onto my pin board. A photo, we took during the last vacation we had together. One of my fondest memories of him, we were so happy, crazy in love.  I sat down, pulled the photo off my pin board and wondered, will a love as great as ours, survive this tempest that fell upon our lives? 

And with this thought, rolled out the first tear I shed, since the accident. 

Breaking me into a million pieces.

HIM

‘How did a guy like me, land up with someone this pretty?’ I wondered. Holding a picture of me and Ava in my hand, we both looked happy, crazy in love. She said, we both have a copy of this picture; we clicked it during the last vacation we spent together, a month before my accident. Weird, how life pans out. How I have no recollection of this person I claim to love the most. How I have no recollection of just about anything. I am twenty six years old, apparently, and I remember no more than the last thirty days of my life.

‘You’d be getting discharged today, Avinash.’ My mother’s voice broke my stream of thought. I kept the picture back on the bedside, turned towards her and smiled. ‘You’ll finally come home!’ she said, with overt enthusiasm. I on the other hand, felt nothing. “Home” I had no recollection of what that would feel like. I guess it’d be a place where I can be myself, not that I know who myself is anymore. ‘Consider it a second inning’ Ava said this yesterday, on one of her routine visits. Makes sense, I thought. I can build myself up from scratch, make mistakes all over again.

A nurse walked in, with a clerk on her trail, carrying my breakfast; porridge and juice. I hate porridge, according to my mother, I always have. The clerk put the tray on a table besides my bed, while the nurse checked my vitals on the machine and gave me my daily dosage of medicines. I, as an obedient student took the medicines with a large gulp of water, gave the glass to the nurse and smiled a goodbye. Understanding my queue, she left the room along with the clerk. As I busied myself in gobbling my breakfast, my mother came and sat beside me. Stroking my hair, I could see the pain reflect in her expression, an expression mirrored on Ava’s face, whenever she thinks I am not looking. An expression I have become much acquainted to.

She is a sweet lady, my mother. Full of love and comfort, I love her, with all my heart. Even though I don’t remember her from before, the past thirty days have at least reinstilled our bond. I wouldn’t have been able to cope with all this confusion, had it not been for her patience and Ava’s support.

With this thought, I looked towards the clock, suspended above the television set, its 11 am, and for some reason Ava hasn’t called yet. Not that I am waiting for her call, of course not. I don’t even know the girl, don’t remember her. I must have loved her a lot, but that was before. It is different now, I am different now. I can’t even think of a commitment, or of love. I don’t even know who I am, let alone pledge myself to another. I just think she is nice, and sweet. She genuinely cares for my mother. Even though she is going through a lot of turmoil, she still manages to be witty, and funny. Always manages to make ma and me laugh. That’s admirable. I admire the person she is, that’s about it. Nothing more, of course.  I feel this restlessness just because I care for her. That is about it.

‘Waiting for Ava’s call?’ my mother asked me, with a hidden smirk, interrupting my introspection. I realised I was staring at the clock, lost in thought; I immediately looked away, bemused. ‘No, I was just referring to the time. Trying to judge how long I can laze around. I am getting discharged today, I got packing to do!’ I said, with flushed cheeks. My mother, smiling mischievously, simply nodded an acknowledgement.  I gave her a disapproving look and buried myself in my laptop. I was a photographer, before the accident. A fairly sought out one too. The amount I charged for one assignment was appalling. So, I was trying to figure that scene out again, practicing the shots, the angles. Memorizing the details in my earlier work, it was exhilarating. I was an organised person, thank god for that. Once I figured the password to my laptop, it was fairly easy to figure my work out. It was nicely catalogued in one folder, with my notes in another. Yes! I had made notes, describing my angles and explaining the physics of it all. I was a geek even in the most creative field possible, making things easier for none other than me.

Meanwhile, my mother perched herself on top of the couch and delved into her office work, she was a teacher in the university college. Students had recently finished their examination so she had to finish with post exam formalities, like correcting papers and recording grades in the record register. We both sat silently, lost in our own world for at least half an hour, before it became too much for me. I was too restless, something was wrong. I was beginning to develop a headache, so I shut my laptop and decided to go for a walk.

I pressed the nurse call button on the buzzer provided and waited for the nurse to come.  A tall corpulent nurse entered with raised eyebrows. ‘Can you please help me by relieving me from these wires and tubes? I want to walk a little.’ I asked. She smiled, nodded and came over to my side of the bed. She checked my vitals, one last time and then disconnected the monitor. After unplugging me safely, she offered her shoulder to help me up. I put my hand around her, balanced my weight between my feet and her shoulders and stood up. ‘Thanks, I’ll manage from here.’ I stated with a smile. She shrugged, said ‘Sure!’ and left the room. I slowly made my way to the edge of the bed, and then noticed my mother. She was just sitting there, looking at me with raised eyebrows; surprised and confused. ‘Need help?’ she asked, trying her best not to pry. ‘Nope, I’m cool. Just want to walk a little.’ I said, shrugging her off. She just nodded, still not sure how to act.

I ignored my mother’s dumbfounded expression and exited my room.

 My room opens into a very long corridor, which usually stays disserted except the occasional nurses and doctors meeting their duty calls. I walked to the window, at the end of the corridor, and sat on the window sill. I peered out the window, and let my eyes wander on the lush green expanse of the huge park the hospital hosted. All this while, reflecting on who I was or what will I be in the future. Still restless, still not succeeding at staying calm or still. I glanced at the watch on my wrist; it was 12 pm. Ava still hadn’t called.

This was too much for me to handle now. She hadn’t called at all today, this had never happened before. She always calls before leaving in the morning, her office starts at 9. It has already been 3 hours. I couldn’t believe she didn’t even get ten minutes to call, either ma or me, to ask how I was doing or when was I getting discharged? I exhaled in indignation. She had a client review tomorrow, I remembered, maybe she was hard pressed; the rational side of me trying to reason with my displeasure.

Why don’t I call instead? To check on her, I thought to myself. I pulled out my phone from my breast pocket, unlocked it and searched for her number in my call history. I hit the green button on her profile, and waited for my dialler to dial her number. “Calling Ava”, showed on my screen, I placed the receiver end of my phone on my ear and waited. It was ringing.

“Hello?” Ava’s voice answered the ring, she was surprised.

“Hi, Ava!” I replied, with a smile spread across my face.

“Avinash? Hi! Are you ok? I’m sorry I have been lost today, I couldn’t call. The client review is taking a toll on me; I was going to call you in ten mins. How have you been?”

She still cared; she was just caught up with work.

With that thought, my restlessness faded away and my muscles relaxed. My almost headache dissolved and I sighed a sign of relief. I closed my eyes and smiled at the feeling of wholeness that filled me. A million pieces fell into place. Everything was alright now, everything was complete.

“I am great” I said, and at that moment, I knew, how it would feel like, to be “home”.