Unrequited

I miss you.

Every single moment, of every single day.

There is this ebbing ache in my heart. A missing portion.

An ache now I think, I am used to. An ache now I think has become my way of life.

I can’t do without this ache, now. In reality, I don’t want to do without it. It is the only connection I have, to you.

I am not sad, no. I am not lonely either. I have brilliant friends, who love me, cherish me. I do have someone who adores me to bits too. He is sweet, and funny and intelligent. He is waiting, for me to take him as my own. I know that. Everyone does.

But you see, there is a ‘but’.

He isn’t everything I want, weirdly, even though he would have been everything any girl could wish for.

I don’t know what is the problem you know? Why it doesn’t fit, why nothing fits? It doesn’t.

How can you wait for someone who isn’t even there.

How can my mind attempt to move on, when my heart is still the same.

They say, if you hesitate long enough, you’d know your heart desires may not be in sync with what your mind wants. You'd know what you want, exactly how you want it.

But what if, your life is, a very big moment of hesitation, perpetually?

What my heart wants is a dead end.

What my mind wants, doesn’t agree with my heart. In turn, doesn’t feel right.

I would move on, I mean, I know you don’t exist. You are, but a mere figment of my imagination.

I think I have too, to my maximum comfortable capacity. But.

I should stop wanting what doesn’t exist anymore, right? I shouldn’t distance myself from everything that is brilliant, cause I need something that isn’t even there. I need something that isn’t mine to have.

How could I have given my heart away, my whole heart, to someone who doesn’t exist?

But that is the deal you know. I am not falling apart, I am not sad and distraught. I am ‘living’ life to the fullest. I am laughing, and playing, and bubbling along with life.

I am being everything I use to be, just that, the depth of those emotions, don’t ignite my core anymore. I am not bubbling with a brilliant bright light anymore.

I am at peace, I am in a perpetual state of limbo. I like life, I am not depressed. I still love going out and everything.

No one notices, the almost missing portion in my personality. So I really must be doing okay, right? I really must be covering all the broken pieces, with brilliance.

But then I really like smoking too, I really like talking about anything but the real deal, I like distractions and shallow exchange of words. I like all of that. I use to not like that so much before.

Not that I have become a shallow heartless bitch, I havnt. I am still the same to the people who are close to me. I am still me, almost.

How can someone leave, and change the entire meaning of your existence. I did not know before.

Which is well, unfair, I know. To the very nice gentleman, who wants an in, in my head.

I know I rule his subconscious. Even though I did not attempt to. I just wanted a few shallow exchanges of words, and move on.

Cause I know, no one can rule my subconscious. No one can be in my head. Not a single soul, the bridge to my subconscious burnt down a long time ago, leaving you trapped there, in the middle of my mayhem.

And my only solace? You shall stay there, trapped in my subconscious, for the rest of my life. And not another soul would know of that. Not even you.

You will always be my deepest secret, my very own thought, that only belongs to me.

Because there, in that world. I will always have you. You will always belong with me.

The power of unrequited love, lasts a lifetime, I guess.